Dear Mrs Smith,
Thank you for considering my requests for John. John has a serious condition of the neck and back called “Football Finals Season” in Australia but in the USA it is simply called "Football Season". It is very common this time of the year and he needs some serious rest this weekend and the next few weeks (or even months in the USA) to recover.
This condition is serious and failure to comply with these suggestions may result in John’s deteriorating mental and physical health.
John needs to rest and be fed his favourite meals. This may include so called “bad” foods such as Pizza, Maccas and KFC – it is a big conspiracy that these foods are “fatty”...but being a health professional, I do prefer he gets made some smoked beef steak with his favourite sides or even better yet, proper USA-style slow cooked BBQ ribs and meats.
John is not to do manual labor at all. This includes getting beers out of the fridge. Therefore, you must be on hand to help John obtain and open his beer so he can watch the sport on TV this month with the minimal amount of stress. Incidentally, watching sport has been shown by research (done by men), to assist in improving mood and giving men feelings of decreased responsibility and help them become “child-like” again – good for John's condition.
John's condition may require complete physical rest but ironically science has also shown that any intimate relations that John requests should be ok for his neck and back and are encouraged, of course, as “sexercise”. This and any excitement induced by sports on TV are "safe" ways of exercising his heart. So is any patient-initiated exercises at the gym and any social outings organised by his mates. Again, chores, responsibilities and things he doesn't want to do have been found to be detrimental for his health...for now...
Please make sure that this weekend with sport on TV is a pleasant one for John. If you feel that the TV watching may be excessive, John assures me that serving him beer in the least amount of clothing would be a distraction that may take his mind off the game.
Please have a nice month and hopefully I don’t see you for treatment after you will be taking such good care of John over the weekend.
If you have any disputes about this recommended rehabilitation programme, please don’t come and beat me up as I am weak and frail. Please appeal to the ultimate authority – John – he paid me $500 to write this letter!
Yours in male solidarity,
Physiotherapist and Football Lover